Darkness

We all have darkness within us and have been taught that darkness is an awful and terrible thing, mostly by mainstream religions of which the vast majority of us were presented with first before we came to Paganism.

The problem with being fearful of the darkness within ourselves is that regardless of how we feel about that darkness, it is there and it is intrinsic.  When we ignore it or learn to hate, fear or despise it, we feed that darkness.

Summed up in context, what I refer to as "Darkness" is our selfish desire.  When a person does something that society labels as wrong it is usually the result of a selfish desire.  When we steal something from someone else it is because we want that thing and do not wish to have to pay for it or ask for permission to have it.  If we hurt another willfully, it is because we care more about ourselves than that person even though we can choose to limit how much we hurt them.  Murder is often about money or possession (the latter, especially in the case of domestic violence).  When you go from top to bottom it is easy to see that these actions all have a connective tissue that is about selfish desire and as a culture we often wonder exactly why people do such awful things to others without exploring the context of selfishness.

What's more is that we are told that it is wrong to be selfish and horrible to be selfish yet it is important for us to take care of ourselves so that we can take care of others.  What a wonderfully confusing message!  The truth is that we have selfish desires because we do need to take care of ourselves.  Selfishness is often an emotion that is telling us we have a need that is not being met.  When I went to my wife last year and told her I wanted a new Katana, this was the price and that I doubted I would be able to get that price again soon, we had a long talk about it.  The use of a sword is essential to my spiritual practice.  It is one of the many tools that I use to connect me more powerfully to the Warrior spirit and nothing calls to me more than a Katana.  The fact is though, that I had a Katana already and even though I had reasons for wishing to replace it as a ritual tool, I could easily have gotten by without a new one for some time by using a wooden approximation or any number of other things.  At the time we had the money and could afford it as long as nothing major happened to either of our older vehicles that required expensive repairs.  A month after we bought the sword I had to put $1400 into my car.  So, was my sword purchase selfish?  Absolutely.  I wanted it and even though my wife (who controls the money in our house otherwise we would have a lot more swords) agreed, I could have gotten by without it.  I simply wanted it more than common sense would dictate and when my car needed repairs we had to make a deal with our mechanic to get them paid for.  I consider us fortunate that we were able to do that but the outcome could have been much worse if our mechanic wasn't such a great guy.  In essence, my sword became more important than his work even if I didn't know it at the time.  It was a good lesson.  I don't like that this happened, but I accept that it was a function of my selfish impulse and that is the key.

Understanding yourself and how dark impulses effect your judgement isn't a step forward in defeating them.  Winning against yourself in this way is not a win unless you understand where the impulse is trying to see a need met and what that need actually is.  In my case, I felt that having the sword fulfilled a spiritual desire to have a specific tool for several specific purposes.  I felt drawn to it and that it was drawn to me and even though we had to wheel and deal with our mechanic on it, all turned out right in the end.  In the future though, I need to stay my hand better when it comes to things like this because patience is the best manner of dealing with the darkness.

The darker part of ourselves is impatient.  It wants to clear the path towards what we want quickly so that we can get there faster.  It is the impulse to take something instead of waiting to have the money to pay for it.  It wants to possess and force instead of waiting patiently for the right moment or for the universe to put what we need in our path in a way that there can be an equal exchange.  It is important to know that and to accept that there are times when the darkness is right.  Sometimes we need to see our needs met immediately and without concern for others.  There are times when we need to take care of our own needs first.  Part of that equation is understanding what those needs are and whether or not it is the right time to see them met.  That is only one part of that equation though and its importance to the overall system is something that every person needs to struggle with to maintain a balance with their own darkness.

It is not wrong to be selfish.  What makes the darkness wrong is when it overwhelms every other aspect of your life.  I have struggled with this many times and will struggle with it further and I am okay with that.  It is a battle that I am willing to have every day if need be because when I struggle I learn.  When I struggle with my own darkness I acknowledge it's existence and give it breath.  It is a part of me and it is a part of everyone.  Failing to recognize this is what often leads people to convince themselves that taking from others without an equal or mutually beneficial exchange is okay.  It is then that such people cease to become a resource to their own community.

My wife put it best when she said that selfishness is pretending that hurting someone else is not going to effect you.  When considered in the context that we are all one, selfishness has as much potential to hurt yourself as it does others, especially when that selfishness involves withholding yourself from others.  When we allow our darker impulses to win, for whatever reason, we must remember that there is always a price associated with that and we must learn to understand we will pay that price regardless of whether we wish to or not.

There are many forms of selfishness and it is hard to discuss this topic without the idea of really awful and selfish acts (Rape, Murder, Child Molesting and others) popping into mind.  In the context of this discussion, the people that perpetrate such acts have gone totally over to their darker, selfish impulses beyond the degree that they have ceased to become a resource to their community.  In this context they have become a black hole into which people (whom are resources to their community) are dragged unwillingly.  Do not suppose for an instant that my discussion here indicates that by suggesting that we sometimes allow our "dark" impulses to hold sway over our decision making that I in any way support or encourage those with the selfish impulses mentioned above to do what they wish to do because it is simply "a part of them".  These are individuals who, in my opinion, should always and indelibly be extinguished from our communities.  That however is a discussion for another post.